The Actual and Slighty Offbeat LoZ:OoT
by giggles090
Summary: You think you know the story, right? Wrong. What if Link wasn't as grand a hero as legends made him seem? What if those legends weren't the real ones at all? Rated Teen for language, violence and absurdity. Updated! I've went through and corrected mistake
1. Prologue

I do not own The Legend of Zelda or it's characters or storylines. If I did, I think I would be a bit more wealthy and would most likely not be spending time writting and posting fanfiction. But, as that is not the case...well here I am, and here is the prologue, or "Pro-low-goo" as i like to call it.

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Years after the events following Link's defeat of Ganon and saving of Hyrule, the castle became a historic landmark and tourist attraction. However, the novelty of an old building did not last long and construction was soon underway for the Hyrule mall and mini golf. 

A Hyrule historian became owner of all the relics, treasures and documents that told of the Legends of Zelda, and he resides in the country side still upset about the "updates" being done to the castle he built his career around. But a surprise awaits him for a dirty looking Goron working at the construction site is carrying a box of papers on his way to him…

The construction goron approached the hut that seemed to be in the middle of nowhere and knocked on the door. He was anxious to be back at the castle. He was used to heat, but Hyrule field was just too much midday. A few long seconds passed and there was no anwer. He knocked on the door again.

The curtains over the window swayed to reveal a bitter looking old man peering at him. The goron blinked and said, "Anyone home?"

"Piss off!" Rang a voice from inside.

The goron was surprised for a moment. He walked across Hyrlue field for this? He sighed and said "Are you the historian? I was told to give this box of crap to you."

"What's in it?" Came the voice again.

The goron assumed this was indeed the historian. "Papers and stuff. Do you want it? Because if you don't, we just ran out of toilet paper at the construction site and-"

He was interrupted. "Drop the damn box!"

The goron quickly let go of the box and it landed on the doorstep with a thud. The door opened and the historian quickly dragged the box inside. The man was crinkled looking and short. Glasses sat on the tip of his long pointed nose and his eyes, hair, and lengthy beard were the same shade of gray. The goron held out his hand hopefully.

The historian looked infuriated. He grabbed the first thing by the door, which happened to be toilet paper and flung it at the visitor. "You want a tip! There's your damn tip, you ungrateful history ruining bastard!"

The goron was surprised by the man rudeness once more, but then realized the value of what had just hit him in the face. "Thanks man, I owe you one. I tell you what; tree bark was just not cutting it as toilet paper. There's nothing that can replace the whiping power of this double ply maximum absorbancey fairy woven toilet paper."

The historian was getting aggravated. The guy just didn't know when to leave. He grabbed his gun and opened the door

The goron looked at the barrel of the gun amused for a second. It was quite obvious this was a toy gun from the brightly colored pink plastic. He rolled his eyes and turned to leave. "God, fine, I'm leaving. There's no need to be a bitch about it."

The short and wizened historian slammed the door and turned to the box, giving it curious looks. This could very well be another legend yet to be told. He slowly opened the box and took out the bundle of papers and noticed a small note attached to them. He took the note and read it.

To whoever finds these papers,

First off, why the hell are you digging in the moat? Second, how are you digging in the moat without drowning? I have the only Zora tunic left; I saw that all the others were destroyed. Well…I suppose there is the chance the moat could dry up…maybe this wasn't the best idea… Anyway, these documents contain the actual legends as they were really written…well one anyway; I accidentally burned the others…hmm, I could have done that to this one too…nah, that'd be too obvious. See, I didn't like the way I was portrayed in the actual documents in the castle, so I stole the real ones and rewrote them. And those are the ones in the castle now. You know, I was thinking, don't you think those legends would make great games?

Sincerely,

Link

The historian gaped at the note in shock. The documents he studied throughout his career had been written by the actual Link…they also weren't the true legends. Link had dressed them up in his favor. Now intrigued, he turned to the papers and began reading…

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First chapter coming soon! 


	2. Chapter 1: Fairy Magic in Every Square

I do not own Quilted Northern or any other toilet paper producing companies.

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This Legend begins in the Kokiri forest were resides the Kokiri, a race of child like people who never grow old and are watched by the great Deku Tree. It is also home to the fairy operated toilet paper producing assembly line, Kokiri Northern. Each Kokiri is guarded by his or her own fairy. All that is except for one boy named Link… 

Link tossed and turned in bed making it seem as if he were at war with the sheets. He was having a nightmare, in fact it was the same one he had every night. One would assume that one would be used to the events of a nightmare if one had that dream every night, but the incidents of this particular dream contained such unspeakable horrors, that none, not even Link could get used to them. For in this dream, Link was wearing a skirt-like article of clothing in a horrid shade of green. Not to mention that pretty much his whole outfit was this horrendous green. Now who wouldn't toss and turn from such a dream?

Link was so caught up in his nightmare that he didn't awaken when the red-haired Mido entered his home. Cautiously Mido approached Link with a fishing pole on which a paper hand drawn fairy dangled from the end. When he reached the slumbering Link, he raised the pole, and then began beating Link with it as he screeched in a high pitched voice "Link! Wake up, bitch! The Deku Tree wants to see you!"

Link was stirred from sleep to realize with revulsion as he did everyday that he was indeed wearing the dreadful outfit that haunted his dreams. After the shock of this wore off, he turned to face Mido, who still had the pole in hand just in case Link decided to fall back asleep.

"Finally you wake up." Mido said. "The Deku Tree wants to see you about something. Don't know why he'd bother to talk to you. You don't even have a fairy. You're probably not even a kokiri."

Link, who was barely able to take this information in as he was still groggy, sighed and stared jealously at Mido's shorts.

Mido turned to leave. "Pft. Why do I have to be the damn messenger boy? Ever since that whole fairy toilet paper thing started, I've been sending that stupid tree's messages everywhere in place of the fairies, and I don't even get paid. Cheap bastard." And he was gone.

Link stretched and yawned as he rose. He walked toward the door, and apparently forgot that he lived in a tree, because in the next moment he had fallen on his face at its base. He looked up rubbing his nose to see Saria looking down at him. Link put on a sheepish grin and stood.

"So you've been summoned to the Deku tree? What an honor!" she exclaimed.

Link shrugged.

"You know, I've been thinking," Saria said as she shifted a little. "You've waited long enough for a fairy, maybe you should just find one. If you visit the ones working on the toilet paper assembly line, maybe one will want to be your partner. Well, it's gotta be better than toilet paper making, right?"

Link's only response was to shrug again. It sounded reasonable enough to him. So he set out to the far end of the Kokiri forest where a large sign read "Kokiri Northern: Fairy Magic in Every Square" Beyond the sign was a line of fairies apparently knitting toilet paper.

Link carefully came towards them, unsure of how to convince one to leave the glamorous life of toilet paper knitting to be his partner.

"Who the hell are you?" asked one fairy at the sight of him.

Link froze.

"Listen." Said the fairy, "I don't care who you are, if you get me out of here, I'll guard you."

Well this was easier than Link was expecting. He nodded.

"Great! I can't stand this place; this not what I had planed to do with my life. My name's Navi by the way." She flew over Link's head.

"Good riddance, Navi." Said another fairy, "You never appreciated the fine art of making toilet paper anyway."

Navi sighed noisily. "Well, let's go before we run into anyone that might stop us." It was then she noticed an odd man walking toward Link. "Dammit, too late."

Link looked over to see a man of at least thirty and dressed like a Kokiri even though he obviously was not one. He recognized him as Tingle, the man who owned Kokiri Northern. Thinking quickly, he grabbed Navi and stuffed her down his skirt.

"What the hell!" he heard Navi yell.

"Hello." Greeted the odd man. "And what are you doing here?" A glimmer caught his eye and he looked downward. The light that surrounded Navi caused a heavenly glow to emanate from under Link's skirt. The man looked crestfallen. "Not another one..."

Link gave him a confused look.

"It's the paper." Tingle said. "Being made by fairies gives it side effects, like glowing bottoms."

Link used Tingle's misunderstanding to his advantage and nodded.

"Please don't sue!" pleaded Tingle. "You will make a fantastic Christmas decoration!"

Link pretended to look upset and crossed his arms.

"I promise to give you a life time's supply of toilet paper, if you don't sue. Please! I'm about to go bankrupt!"

Link finally shrugged and nodded.

"Thank you! Thank you so much!" cried Tingle. "Any time you're in need of toilet paper, all you have to do is ask! I am in your debt." He shook Link's hand.

After they were away from Kokiri Northern, Navi flew out from under Link's skirt gasping for breath. "Don't ever do that again!" she wheezed. "God couldn't you think of a better idea, you dumb shit! I could easily have fit under your hat, but no, you stuff me down your damn skirt!"

Link looked apologetically at her.

Mido came running up to them then. "There you are! The Deku Tree's getting impatient." He looked up to see Navi. "So you have a fairy now? Pft. Doesn't matter, I still doubt you're a Kokiri." He rolled his eyes. "Now go see the Deku Tree. I'm not gonna tell you again." He stormed off muttering about 'being tired of acting as the damn tree's bitch'.

"So the Deku Tree wants to see you, huh? Good, I've finally got something else to do then knit what will eventually wind up on someone's ass, let's go."

Link shrugged once more, and they started toward the Deku tree.


	3. Chapter 2: Kokirimon

I do not own any franchise mentioned here.Link will finally speak. It is a monumental event that deserves it's own chapter.

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And so Link and Navi trekked to meet the Great Deku Tree. Link heard a rustle and Mido suddenly stepped in his way. "First you must acquire a sword and shield."

Navi buzzed angrily. "What ?! You told us to come here!"

"Well I guess I could let you pass, if Link talks." Mido crossed his arms.

"Are you kidding me?" Said Navi. "I'm pretty sure he's mute."

"Well then you'll have to go get the shield and sword."

"… too much trouble." Navi flew around Link's head. "Surely you can say something."

Link shrugged and stayed quiet.

Navi sighed. "You're useless, you tard."

This insult seemed to inspire Link and he took on a serious look.

"I think he's going to do it!" said Navi.

The world grew quiet and Link felt as if a spotlight were on him. He took a deep breathe and spoke for the first time in his life. "Douche…" He shrugged.

Navi and Mido stared. "Oh god…" said Navi.

"That doesn't count." Mido pouted.

"But he did speak."

"Come back when he knows some politically correct words."

"You're just mad that he called you a douche!"

"He didn't call me it, he stated it."

A cry interrupted the argument. "Pokeball, go!"

Mido turned. "What the-"He was smacked in the forehead with what appeared to be a red and white ball. Odd light surrounded Mido as he shrank and disappeared.

"Yes, I caught a Kokiri!" said a boy with a red hat and yellow rat on his shoulder. The unusual kid picked up the ball and left.

"That was the most messed up thing I've ever seen. Come on, let's go." Said Navi.

So with Mido now cramped in a ball, the two walked down the path uninterrupted to the Great Deku Tree.


End file.
